Noisetheorem

Without a doubt, the worst part of being in a band is naming it.
Currently,we are clueless

My 24 inch flat panel monitor I use in my studio rig went kaput. suck
suck suck.

*arg*

(WARNING: if discussion of sperm, masturbation, sex over 60 or Tony make you squeamish DO NOT READ Further)

As some of you know, Angela and I are seeking the help of a fertility specialist. Since many of you have found other aspects of my life so entertaining, particularly my less flattering moments, I thought I
would share with you my experience with the *only* part of this that involves male participation at all: The Sperm Analysis.

For those not familiar with Sperm Analysis (and I Hope hope hope it is not on Dragons list of known fetishes), I will let you wikipedia or google it yourself. I am sure the IT guy at the office will just LOVE
finding that in his traffic logs..

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. When we set the appointment, they informed me that I would need to be abstinent for a minimum of two and a maximum of 5 days. No sweat. I have experienced longer dry spells,
however there is one little hitch: no one had ever told me *you cant do that*.

Lets try something: remember back to when you were a kid, and your parents grounded you from something (bike, computer, telephone, food..). Remember how suddenly you were 100 times more obsessed with it than you were BEFORE the punishment? Essentially, I had been told not to do something I had done at MY discretion and will since I was 12 (that’s 22 years, for the folks doing math at home). Suddenly, it went from down near the bottom of ways I’d like to be spending my time to el numero uno…

So anyway, after 4 days of being more suddenly obsessed with my own man parts than I had been since I discovered how to ‘let the genie out of the bottle’ those 22 years prior, I headed to my appointment feeling a little anxious. Its a pretty good drive to the clinic from my home, and Ill tell you – road rage NEVER felt so good…

Which is actually why I think they tell you to stay abstinent in the first place: After 4 days of some sadomasochistic sexual denial game,your just about ready to pop, and you don’t really care *where* it is or if its into a cup or not. And I *bet* it helps with patient punctuality too. I got to my appointment 10 minutes early despite heavy traffic and the need to stop for gas. No need to explain further.

Once I got there I checked in with the quaintly attractive Asian lady behind the reception desk. Remembering her from the consultation, I realized that 4 days of abstinence beats the effectiveness of beer goggles by about 4 orders of magnitude. I was way ready to go.

Apparently, sperm is like the new WMD. During check-in they needed to take my picture and get all sorts of other ID information, which they verified against other medical records I had to give them access too. I imagine a room somewhere with men in black suits checking the validity of my ID, talking into lapel pin microphones discussing my background and eligibility to reproduce.

At no point did anyone ask what I was there for – the only reason a male ever has an appointment here is the same. They took my insurance info, and I had to pay $30 for the co-pay (insert low brow joke about this being the first time I ever paid $30 and it was my own hand I was hiring..)

Another interesting thing I noted is that, for some reason, *no one* in the doctors office ever wants to ever *say* what it is your being told not to do, or what your supposed to do when you go into the little room to do it. They dance around it *every* time. They use words like specimen and sample rather than get anywhere near to even saying *semen*. My personal favorite was the lady who lead me to the room asking “Have you ever collected with us before?”. COLLECTED? Like…match box cars and baseball cards? you have a COLLECTION of this stuff? If I ever go back, it will be my *goal* to get one of these ladies to say ‘masturbation’ just *once*.

Which brings us to the room. I was lead back by someone who could only be described as ‘grandma’. Of course, at this point, grandma was looking pretty fine with her pink scrubs and unbleached upper lip (thank you, 4 day fascist denial period). She dryly pointed me to the cups, the wipes, tissue box and a clipboard. She then instructed me that when I was done, I needed to label it (labels on the clipboard) and immediately bring it to the lab. I *could not at any time leave my sperm alone – I MUST physically hand it off to someone. With all this security and protocol, I never before had I such a feeling of self importance regarding my seed. I almost felt guilty for all that I had wasted over the years (OK, not really). She left (I guess she
figured I could figure out the rest myself) and I was alone.

The room was very much like the bathroom in your first apartment, minus toilet and shower. it was a 4×4 room (generously..it may have been smaller) with a sink, a chair, a small television with DVD and VCR attached. The room was OK. At that point it could have been the bathroom at a Phillips 66 station for all I cared.

A lot of doctors these days are doing patient satisfaction surveys after your appointments. This clinic does not do that and it shows. If they had asked, on the line they ask for other comments I would have really laid into their porn collection. Its obvious they don’t have a *single* male working at this clinic. They had 4 magazines: a copy each of Maxim and Stuff, and two copies of playboy that had all the good pages torn out. The 5 movies were almost worse – they were all the free crap you get when you order from Adam & Eve, with one notable exception: They had one movie that featured only African Americans (the token black porn?). So pretty low marks all around there. I was glad I brought my own (Ill just omit those details).

After I made my contribution to science, I filled out the label, raced it to the lab where they AGAIN verified my info. Not very eager to hang around, I said good by to grandma and the nice Asian lady behind the desk (wow, what a difference 10 minutes makes) and headed to work. I guess Ill get the results back in a day or so, and will definitely share it here (hell, since your all so involved now).

They also told me this will probably not be the last sample they need, particularly if they need to ‘help out’ with the conception. So check this space, as there is apparently more to come.

(once you sunk to that low, its time to stop).

This weekend I tried to do as little work as possible (at least, of the official kind). That partly came up as we *attempted* to go see Iron Man on Friday.

Our plan on Friday was dinner and a movie. After the dinner part, we had an hour to kill and thought we would go look at a car (we need to get a second vehicle…or at least a primary vehicle thats got some more hauling space and does better in winter). Angela’s first choice for a car was the Honda CRV. We went over to the dealer, found one that was close to the options and everything we wanted and took a look.

I really didnt like the CRV that much, or at least it didnt excite me. Most cars do not excite me, however, so this should not really be a surprise. It seemed ok. I really didnt like the massive blindspots looking out the back. My wife liked it, however, and since she does the majority of the driving, its really her choice.

After futzing around there, we realized we had missed the movie. Well fsck… Next showing at 8:40..we can make that.

..but we had another hour to kill…so we went down the street to a Jeep dealer, who had my wife’s second choice car – the Jeep Patriot or Jeep Liberty.

The Patriot is, potentially, one of the ugliest cars I have ever gotten into. It looks all fine on the outside, but the inside *looks* like a cheap car. everything looks cardboard and plastic. I *hate* that. it was boxy and ugly. It was off the list almost right away.

Enter the Jeep liberty. It looks pretty cool..I even liked it. Loaded up with every feature you could imagine its still in our price range. I am a gadget fiend, and I tell you this thing had everythig – and a lot of nice little touches to boot. Its not too big..not to small..and feels really well built. You look how many old crappy jeeps there are still running on the road, and I have some faith in this vehicle..

by the time we got out of there..yes..we missed the 8;40. We gave up on the movie and just went home.

Saturday turned into a second day of car shopping. We decided to go and just look at what other dealers had in about the same range. None of them impressed us. Nothing seemed to have that combo of features for that kind of price.

I didnt have the down payment I need to get the payment where I want it, so I we didnt drive away in it. but soon….soon….

The other big event this weekend was the guys from ‘the band’ came by for another meeting. They agreed that we need to up our game if we are going to produce anything. To that end we are going to start meeting every other week. I think that will really really help us. In addition, Sean is going to bring his guitar over so we can kind of ‘jam’ and get some ideas going collaboratively. I think that will help A LOT.

Also, during the meeting, I came across an old DVD backup of some more music files I thought were lost forever. Specifically, it was the Psyren Demo and work tracks backed up right after Shawn left. I really thought this stuff was gone.

We are going to revitalize the song ‘Rage’ – Sean and Brian both really like it. It was one of my favorite tracks as well, representing one of the rare instances when I got to work with guitar tracks. I really like that we are going to have the option to do more of that.

So progress on most fronts. The problem with *not* working for the weekend means its harder to get started on monday again…which I had better start getting into.

So while waiting in the doctors office today, I got to watch the same
boring CNN Health video (brought to you by Pfizer). One segment,
however, stood out.

The segment was about a condition called Dysgraphia – a lesser known
and less common cousin to Dyslexia. Rather than going into great
detail about the symptoms, Ill just drop the link to wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysgraphia

holy crap! I mean, usually when you run accross these things you will
have (at most) half the symptoms. I have *ALL OF THEM* and have since
I was a kid. I cant so much write out a check or sign my name without
my hand starting to cramp. Just *holding a pen or pencil* will make
my whole right arm seize up. What really freaked me, is when they
talk about tying shoes. I *hate it*. I have since I was a kid. I
get the same cramps only they happen in my left hand when tying my
shoes.

And like they say, every other fine motor skill activity is
unaffected. I am a very fast typist, I can use a computer mouse, I
can even play keyboard/piano. It *only* effects those areas.

I dont know why I am so excited about this. I guess its because this
finally has a name. I just thought I was 'broken'. Do you have any
idea the *hell* that catholic school was as a child with writting as
poor as I had? Mixing capitals and lower case, mixing cursive with
print. I did well on spelling tests only because I would practice it
out and visualize the actual word list as we were given the test.
Wow….

Well, thats one more thing to watch my kids for (they say its
genetic). Maybe I shouldnt breed?

I have not yet blogged or really talked about with anyone the reason
that I took the day off today, and I think its about time I did.

As a few of you may know, Angela and I have been working on a baby. I
realize there is no way to say that and not bring up images of yuppies
frantically taking their tempreature every 10 minuts and Kevin Bacon
being forced to endure yet another round of purely reproductive
sex…but thats what we have been up to….and with no results.

Well, we have now given it more than a year and something aint
working. We havnt even had a false alarm yet. Its a bit depressing,
and really leaves me (at 34) wondering if its meant to be at all.
Angela is at 30.

It amazes me the irony of the situation. When I was younger and
probably more fertile than all the soil in the Ukraine, I did whatever
I could to *stop* from having babies. Babies were bad…they were
evil. Babies ruined lives and destroyed futures. Now, at 34, I am
wanting babies, and I cant have one.

Today, we are going to see a fertility specialist who will help us
figure out the next step. There is apparently medication and other
things we can try before turning to lab coats and petri dishes. I
actually think that the petri dish idea would be kinda cool. I mean,
kids *are* kinda like weird genetic lap experiments. Really, it
should only figure that I would need to bring to bear the full force
of modern technology in order to do something as primal and natural as
reproduction. I guess it *is* kind of a theme in my life.

I dont really know what to expect, other than what I have seen in
those afore mentioned crappy Kevin Bacon movies (Kevin Bacon…or is
it Hugh Grant? either way..suckage). The only thing I know for
certain is that there is probably a cup, a magazine and a little alone
time in my future (TMI? thats what blogs are all about, friends). I
have no idea what Angela is in for at all, though I am sure that my
side of things will be the easy part.

So thats where it stands. just have to wait and see.

I probably misspelled that, but you get the idea. After a week of
intense overwork, I managed to drag my exhausted ass to th ministry
show. Damn did I need that. The work and the show put a few things
in perspective.

One thing I thought about, was my 'band', and my promise to finish a
cd this year. Its not going to happen with the people we currently
have. An album is not made on one practice a month. Back when I
finished my cd, we met *every* week, and practiced, wrote and
recorded. Even then, it took two years.

If I had a group of people willing to give a day a week, or even one
every other, we could do an album this year. I know what I am doing,
and the available tools are no longer the obstacle they once were.

Also, while I used to be a wellspring of ideas, my best stuff always
came from riffing off others. I *need* someone tobounce ideas and
energy off of to keep me from ways following the same tired roads and
avenues. Its just truth and fact.

So there we have it. I need a band, and I need the right people in it.

The second thought I had is the tough one. I know what I need,
now….where do I find them?